I’ve been… going through it recently. To be honest it I haven’t felt much like writing this newsletter because the only thing I can think about is how I’m going through it, and trying to decide what I am ready to share and what I need to deal with privately doesn’t come naturally.
My instinct is always to give, give, share, share. Put it all out there. Say yes to things I’m not ready to do. Take on the emotional responsibility of figuring it out after I’ve already said yes.
I’ve long had the pleasure of making decisions rooted in fear. If I don’t go to this birthday party, someone will be mad at me. If I say no to this work assignment, my boss will think I’m lazy. If I spend an entire global pandemic painting my walls and uploading lip sync videos to the internet, everyone will think I’m doing great.
If I am offered a work assignment and I don’t have a job, I need to take it. It doesn’t matter if I don’t feel comfortable taking it or if — gasp — I don’t want it. If I don’t take it they’ll never ask me to work for them again, and then I won’t have $300 and then I won’t be able to afford to buy a gift for someone else’s wedding. Then what?
It’s basically the concept our “NO!” commercial was born out of.
I’ve always been taught not to burn bridges. Don’t leave things on bad terms. You never know when you’re going to run into someone again. Be a nice girl.
Be a nice girl.
For me, being a nice girl has meant putting myself in situations I don’t want to be in, sacrificing my sacred time and space for everyone else, staying for another drink on a bad date, sleeping with bad guys, agreeing to go to three birthday parties in one weekend, taking freelance story assignments I can’t handle because someone who knows someone recommended me for it and how could I make them think there’s anything I can’t handle?
But as I get to know myself better I am realizing there are actually a lot of things I can’t handle by myself. The shame of that realization is (slowly) being replaced by acknowledgment and self-protection. And thus, a couple of bridges burned.
This is not to say I don’t feel bad. I feel bad. I don’t like to fail and give up and I don’t like to disappoint people or go back on my word. But it feels even worse that I so often don’t enough trust myself to make the sound decision, the whole decision, from the grounded, steadfast place. Not the manic, grasping for approval place.
So I have to pick one of these things to prioritize, and it has to be me.
I’m sure I’ll be more ready to share more soon. In the meantime, I will share these shorts I got from Target that I’ve worn every single day since. They’re perfect dog walking shorts and look super cute with a black sports bra and oversized denim shirt, my new summer uniform.
If you see me this summer, this is what I am going to look like.
There’s also this Cuup bathing suit, which fits like a dream & comes in a great range of sizes.
And this backpack, which I got in a press mailer a LONG time ago and never touched until now. It holds so much stuff and has a great laptop pocket in the back. Plus it looks chic.
Also the Megababe sale is over but I still highly recommend for all your summer chafing needs.
Last but not least is this Lux Unfiltered self-tanning cream I’ve been using. Super easy to use and not streaky.
Anyway. I love you. Be kind to yourself and also to me and everyone else.
Love,
Jamie AF
Jamie, I have FINALLY been waking up to the idea of self care and self love and it is something else. Your words are so on point. Thank you. Lots of love, Eve.