Just Say No!
Unless I'm asking you for help with something. Then please say yes. Or don't. You don't have to. It's fine.
I'm not good at asking for things.
Not things that I want and certainly not things that I need. Favors? Forget it. I’ll handle it myself. I don't want to be a burden. I don't want to impose.
It’s not difficult to figure out where this instinct comes from. Or, I guess, it’s not difficult for a trained therapist to figure it out. Like many other things I had blocked out before the paper thin shell of my unresolved grief cracked open and years of issues and anxieties spilled out all over the pristine, carefully calculated and blissfully unaware bubble i’d built around me, I never connected the hyper-awareness of what “my place” is in a friendship or social situation with my childhood.
But when you’re a kid and your instinct in a tumultuous situation at home is to keep quiet and keep to yourself because you wouldn’t want to cause any additional stress or be a burden, to your family, as a child, the picture becomes pretty clear.
So, uh, duh, this shit followed me in adulthood. In friendships and relationships (lol, what’s a relationship?) I always feel like the only lucky one. Like I’ve cheated my friends into letting me in. That I’m overstaying my welcome. I know I have friends who love me. But would they still love me if I — gasp — had to ask them for help with something?
Not really the fun intro I had in mind to debut my first ever comedy sketch (!!) But really, it makes sense. I promise.
I recently had a realization, and it’s this: People who are doing the things I want to do creatively aren’t necessarily better at them than I am. But they are better at actually doing them.
And what does actually doing them look like? Well, in many cases, it involves collaboration, asking people for help with the parts you’re not able to do yourself. The horror.
This theory was originally tested during COVID, when I started recording my quarantine phone calls with my nana on Quicktime audio and had a wild idea. What if I could animate these? How fun would that be? Too bad I’m not an animator, have no drawing skills and have no Photoshop knowledge. Oh and also no money to give to someone who could do it. Oh well. Never mind.
I don’t know what made me put the ask out there into the (social media) universe, but, as many of you know, that idea turned into Calls with Nana, a project made possible by my very talented friend Brandon who brought the idea (and our exact likenesses) to life. It was collaborative, it was rewarding, and it. Got. Done.
Basically, it made me say:
So, when I had an idea to write a comedy sketch, a parody commercial for a fake pill called No! that is only loosely based on my real life inability to say no to things out of fear that if I do for any real reason or even no reason at all everyone will hate me (hahahahahahaha help) — I tried it again.
I am lucky to be friends with a lot of talented people (and I’m not just saying that so they agree to do fun stuff with me again — I swear) — so I asked a few of them if they wanted (only if they wanted! If they had time! If it was absolutely convenient!!!!) to take part. No matter how I looked at it, I had to face it: there was no way I could do this whole thing by myself.
First I asked my friends Alex and Emily to co-star with me in the sketch, get on a Zoom with me to do a run through, take time out of their day to come to my house and film it. Then I asked my friend Rachel if she would shoot (and direct, edit, add graphics, make it look and sound beautiful and sit on the phone with me repeatedly to talk through all of the above).
And goddamn it, wouldn’t you know, they all said yes.
Maybe this feeling doesn’t make sense to all of you, but the idea that these three people, who have plenty of other things going on in their lives, happily gave some of that precious time to me, makes me feel really grateful and emotional.
Saying yes to things (hopefully not things like helping me with this video) is in part a contradiction to what this video is about. I won’t spoil it (please watch it!!) but it plays to the shared experience (I think.. I hope!) of saying yes to too many things (that we may or may not actually want to to), accidentally over-booking our calendars, not keeping our time, energy and schedules sacred.
It’s very special to me, was so much fun to make and I hope you like it. You can watch it here or here:
This video would not have been possible without Rachel, Alex and Emily, my new wallpaper, the broom we turned into a boom (a b(r)oom, if you will) and — asking for help.
So, I guess the message I want to send myself — and you — is to just ask. Just do. The worst thing someone can say is — No!
Love always,
Jamie AF
Jamie, you are my new favorite philosopher and mentor. I feel your words 💖
will always say yes to your asks!