Welcome to JAFAQs, a weekly series that is exactly what it sounds like: answers to the most common questions I've gotten since I started addressing my $20k of personal debt.Ā
Do you have a question about debt, personal finance, budgeting, mental health, New York living, Sophie & Taylor's dinner date or literally anything else? Send them on over to realgirlproject@gmail.com + come back every Wednesday to see the answers.
Being-in-debt and owning it has been my online persona for just over a year now, so itās hard to imagine a time when I kept it all quiet. But that's exactly what I did for many many ā¦ many years. Now that I'm in recovery, I'm more or less an open book, but one thing I rarely discuss in detail is ā¦ How did I get here in the first place?Ā
In this six-part installment, I'll answer this very frequently-asked question.
This weekās JAFAQ: How the hell did you get into so much debt in the first place?Ā
Part 1: codependency & people pleasing
For most of my life I was under the impression that I was a good communicator because my report card always said "she talks too much!". Some might say that I still do. But ask me to be honest about my feelings or something thatās bothering me and, what do you know? Suddenly I have nothing to say. What I have learned, through therapy and yes ā more talking ā is that talking and communicating arenāt the same thing. And the latter has, historically, felt much harder for me to do.
Because when you communicate truthfully, sometimes thereās conflict. For a codependent person (a person who puts everyone elseās needs ahead of their own), conflict is to be avoided at all costs, which leads toā¦ many costs.Ā
I used to think that saying ānoā said something about me: namely ā that I was a bad friend. Worse, I used to think declining an invitation would prevent future invites from coming. That Iād be written off. That Iād become obsolete in someoneās life.
And so, I said "yes". To everything. To dinners and parties and trips and weddings and myriad expensive things (made more expensive by the fact that most of them happened in New York). And when I didnāt have the cash to keep up, I always had a credit card.
But saying āyesā to things you donāt want to do, or agreeing to activities you canāt afford is, in fact, the opposite of being a good friend. Without clear communication, youāre not being there for them, youāre not being there for yourself, and youāre not being honest, either.Ā
And, saying "yes" because youāre afraid of the consequences is alsoā¦ not being a good friend. Iāve written countless narratives in my head for how I think things will go if I ever said "no" to any invite.Ā Without giving anyone an opportunity to prove me otherwise, I assumed there would be confrontation or conflict. But, in real friendship, even when there are consequences, theyāre not earth-shattering.Ā
So, now when an invitation comes my way, I try and reason with the immediate āYES!ā that I can feel trying to escape from the tip of my tongue. I take a beat. I ask myself: "Can I swing it? Do I want to swing it? Who am I saying yes for? Is it me?" Of course, itās not always me ā thatās what friendship is. But if itās never me? Thatās a problem.
Now itās more ācan we hang at home or meet for a drink before or after dinner instead?" OR, āI canāt tonight, but thanks for thinking of me!ā OR itās just, plain and simple, "I canāt." Your real friends arenāt going to question what's right for you.Ā
My therapist once said: An invitation is a question, not a demand. If it feels like a demand, itās not an invitation. That concept fundamentally changed my understanding of friendship.
And a friend once said: Iād rather feel a little bit guilty than a lot of resentment. That concept fundamentally changed my relationship with the word "no".
Getting into debt isn't a simple mathematical equation. It involves friendships, boundaries and self-worth. For the next six weeks, I'll be highlighting another reason why I got into "so much debt in the first place."
These next six installments of JAFAQs are brought to you in partnership with Debt Heads, the larger audio project weāve been working on that explores these topics in more detail. CheckĀ out some of the work weāve already done on Spotify, Apple Podcasts or right here on Jamie AF.
XOXOXOX