It’s been a long time since I took one of those “love language” tests on the internet, but I know that there are five unique languages that people could potentially "speak" as their preferred way to express and receive love: 1) words of affirmation, 2) acts of service, 3) quality time, 4) physical touch and … 5) receiving gifts.
That last one? That's decidedly not one of mine.
I am not, as some people are, known widely as a “great gift giver,” and, in my small family, our idea of gifting has historically involved either an envelope stuffed with cash or a link, sent via text message, along with the words “this is what I want for Hanukkah / my birthday / etc.”
That type of gifting can make a girl jaded.
Sure, I like to receive gifts. But I care more about spending time with the gift giver than getting the gift. And, sure, I do love to give gifts – but only when there’s something worth giving. And that's just not that often.
But it's really this cultural compulsion to BUY a gift or to show love through spending money that I have a problem with. Especially when I don't have the money to spend.
And it seems like a lot of us don't have the money to spend. 25% of Americans are still paying off their holiday debt from 2022.
The truth is, you don’t need to buy anyone anything. Especially if you can’t swing it.
And before you protest and tell me I don’t “understand” – hear me out.
Being honest about what you can and cannot afford is not going to ruin the holidays. But lying about what you can afford, and then stressing over how much money you spent - might.
Last December, when I had only recently started budgeting, I did my very best to get into the holiday spirit without spending a lot of money.
I hosted a potluck. I had friends over. I spent a lot of time at friends’ houses. I drove out to Dyker Heights in Brooklyn to see the Christmas lights and walked around the city on the days it wasn’t too cold. I read good books and saw a lot of movies.
And it was really wonderful. After all, I'm a words-of-affirmation / acts-of-service type of gal.
So, if you’re tight on cash, or saving for a trip, or just don’t want to continue feeding into the toxic lie that we’re required to buy things for people to prove how much we love them, I have a few tips.
This week’s JAFAQ: how to navigate holidays when you’re on a budget
Get ahead of it
Many of us are adept at putting off difficult conversations. But before you know it, it will be Christmas Eve and the resentment you’re holding in over having to buy every single child in your family a present is going to spill out of you like your third glass of eggnog.
Maybe that’s an exaggeration. My point is: tell the people in your life ahead of the holidays that you’re on a budget this year, and be honest about what you can and cannot afford. It might feel awkward or uncomfortable, but it will be much less uncomfortable than having anxiety over your credit card bill.
Remember – they’re your boundaries
There might be people, even those with the best intentions, who will guilt trip you for not wanting to spend a lot of money for the holidays. If that happens, it’s helpful to remind those people (and yourself) that you’re not asking anyone to do anything. You’re simply setting a boundary for yourself. They are welcome to do the holidays as they’ve always done them, and you are welcome to participate in whatever capacity works for you.
Create a budget cap
If you have a budget (like the one I use from Tiller), calculate exactly how much you can afford to spend, then let your family know that’s the price range in which you’ll be spending. They might not want to adhere to it for their gifts, but you can go into it without any secrets or expectations.
Get creative
I’m not going to ask you to get crafty. I know not everyone likes to get crafty. But being creative is not…exactly the same thing. Last year, for Christmas, I printed out photos of my friends from throughout the year and put them in frames I bought at IKEA for $2 each. It was great! Gifts don’t have to be expensive to be meaningful.
Don’t feel bad
If you read through all of this and still thought to yourself “I still have to buy everyone in my life gifts,” that’s okay. We have all, at some point, felt that pressure. And it’s not a moral failing to shop, just like it’s not a failing to opt out of shopping. And it’s fucking hard to do something differently after years of doing it one way.
But as someone who has had to start looking at many things completely differently than I used to, I can say that the hardest part is just saying it out loud, and the consequences are usually far less earth-shattering than the narratives we’ve made up in our heads would lead us to believe.
However you spend, and whatever you spend, I hope you have a beautiful holiday season.