If the world is a stage, my neighborhood wine shop is my most captive audience. As in — I go in there at least once a week, usually with my friend Rachel, and hold both she and the lovely man who works there captive while I make different variations of the same joke, typically regarding the alarming frequency of my visits.
I was already halfway through a bit about, I don’t know, the shop being Disneyland (the happiest place on earth) when we spotted him, perusing just beyond the $17 and under table. A kind of handsome man who you can just tell is handsome even with most of his entire face covered by a face mask and with his back partially to you. By the time we made eye contact it was too late, I was performing the joke for him, too.
And what do you know? He laughed. I felt powerful and hot and funny and then I realized that a handsome man had just laughed at my joke and maybe I should say something else to him before the sediments settled and so naturally I … froze. Completely choked. Ate shit. Stood around sort of half listening to him pick out really nice wines and mention something about an art project he was working on and then watched him leave, with one of the wines I wanted to buy and without my phone number. The nerve.
It’s kind of weird to be not very good at communicating when you have made a job out of communicating. But I’m not. I’ll talk a stranger’s ear off, but if that stranger asked me on a date and then I had to go on a date with them — I lose the magic. Can’t take the pressure. It happened in the wine store, it happens in my life when I have to share or confront something uncomfortable, and it happened twice in that same weekend.
I’ve been wearing and loving and recommending activewear brand Girlfriend Collective for many years to friends of the real life and internet variety. And many times I have fielded DMs about sizing, fit, what I like about it, all which I gleefully and honestly shared.
So when someone from the brand approached me about joining their affiliate program, it felt like a dream scenario. I’m not good at talking about things I don’t care about, but this is something I actually love. It would easy!
Except — the pressure. Suddenly I wasn’t just recommending it. I was recommending it with stakes (small stakes, sure, but stakes nonetheless). I could possibly be making commission off of the sale. And I don’t want to ask people for things. Especially not money. Suddenly, I was back in the wine shop.
I thought about & thought about what I would post using my new *link* and landed on a fairly simple concept: showing off the many ways you can wear the unitard over the course of one weekend. So I spent three days video taping everything I did and said the word “vlog” over and over again to which I’d like to apologize to my friends for. I cut the video together and recorded — and then re-recorded — a voiceover narrating my fun times over a dozen times. There were nachos! There was a new vintage suit from a pop up in my neighborhood! There was produce! And there were.. not a lot of likes. My vlog was a certified flop.
It bothered me that so few people seemed to enjoy my little vlog experiment (sorry for saying vlog again) because just like I am bad at communicating I am also bad at being bad at something. I want to do it right the first time so I can get it over with, so I don’t have to sit with something and learn from it. If I never fail I never have to be present for the failure. The problem is — that means I also never learn.
Like I said, real small stakes, but it’s not really about the stupid video or how many likes it got. It’s about getting comfortable in the uncomfortable. Learning how to communicate better, learning how to not let a little pressure take you out of your very capable head and render you unable to make small talk with an attractive man or make a video that doesn’t try so hard to sell unitards. All I really wanted to tell you is that I love this unitard. It makes me feel hot and I never have to wear a bra with it. So if you want to buy one for yourself, won’t you use this link to do it?
On that note -here are a few other things I’ve been loving this week (that I don’t have affiliate links for but just might someday!):
OK sorry if this is TMI but if you’ve ever had any kind of vaginal weirdness whatsoever you need to buy this product called the killer. I won’t elaborate here but if you want to hear about my experience you can DM me and I will gladly share. Trust me.
I’ve been wearing these little Elise Paige hoops every day recently. They’re super light and surprisingly durable.
Finally, this poreless putty primer from e.l.f. has made my makeup look way more even and smooth on my (very not poreless) skin.
Also, guy from the wine store, if you see this. Call me.
Love you (you the reader, not you the wine guy. But also yes him too),
Jamie AF
It's okay, I also can't flirt once I realize it's flirting either even though I'm otherwise a damn good flirt 🥲
Hello out there!
Another great thing about "The Killer" is that you don't have to worry about inter-vaginal roaches.