I feel very stuck.
Every morning I wake up and it’s a new day, brimming with possibility. My phone, 500 out of 600 square feet (give or take) away from me in the kitchen rings out it’s stupid little alarm. My dog Joni whimpers from the high pitched sound. I stumble my way over to the phone and think about turning the alarm off but hit snooze instead, carrying it back to bed with me and hanging on to the last couple bits of snoozing.
But then the phone is right there. In the bed. In the sacred space. Already, a self-betrayal before 8:00 AM. Because once it’s there I find myself picking it up. Checking it. Maybe I have a DM. Maybe one of my tweets finally went viral or at least got a like or two. Maybe the nearly comatose swiping I did last night on the dating apps I said I was going to delete resulted in THE match and not just the matches that make me wonder if it was actually me in my own body doing the swiping in the first place.
It can’t hurt to check a few Instagram stories. I have to see what all my people are up to. Except how did the makeup artist from your ex-boyfriend’s sister’s wedding in 2018 become my people? How did I get here? How did I end up 10+ swipes away from my home feed and how did I end up wasting so much of my sweet, precious time and life watching mindlessly drinking in what’s happening in your life?
No offense to your life. It’s just that it’s so painfully unproductive. And it sounds so stupid. Even writing it now I am aware that I could just — not do it. But the shame of un-productivity makes me want to numb the feeling of shame which leads me to distract myself with — what else? — more Instagram, please.
I’m less motivated to write, less inspired to be funny. I set writing timers. I listen to my no-fail writing soundtrack (better known as the “Amelie” soundtrack). I put my phone on Do not Disturb. But a lot of days, more days than I care to admit recently, I end up at least at some point in a time wasting spiral with a promise to get my act together tomorrow.
I have some issues with focusing in general and a few issues with acknowledging that I have issues and a healthy dose of (what I think is) pretty reasonable fear that for me, turning to meds for those issues could be a slippery slope.
It would also be an admission that I need help. Which, god forbid. But I do need a little help right now. Right now it’s worse than usual. The anxiety I thought would get better after I was vaccinated didn’t so much go away as it did just shift to something else. Because the anxiety was never only about COVID, it was about the potential for bad things looming around every corner. Which is escalated by a pandemic but not exclusively caused by it. No matter what, a part of me is waiting for the other shoe to drop. Waiting to something catastrophic to happen.
It’s kind of paralyzing, that waiting. And it prevents me from doing the good stuff. Meditating. Reading. Watching TV shows and movies that are fun or interesting or challenging or none of the above. Resting. Boxing. Not drinking a lot (a sad one considering how much I enjoy drinking). When I do the things, I feel better. I just have to be in the mood to do the things.
The Jeff Warren meditation I did on the Calm app this morning was about active rest: concentrating on doing something enjoyable so your brain gets a break from the worry and anxiety. Perfect timing, eh? “Concentration is a fine antidote to anxiety,” I shared on my Instagram story (LOL) after it was done.
Meditation and self-talk are things I kind of passed off as bullshit for a long time. Then they helped me get through my first ever half-marathon. Then I found one on TikTok (I know. I KNOW) that really spoke to me.
“I do not chase. I attract. What belongs to me will simply find me.”
I’m not taking this to mean stop putting in work to reach your goals. I just think if I put the same energy I have been into wasting time looking at Instagram on the toilet into doing the things I care about and love and create positive feelings, that energy will radiate and bring good things. So I keep going and keep trying to make funny shit and keep putting myself in rooms with people who like the same things as I do and sometimes admit that I might need a little help with all of the above. The! First! Step!
None of this stuff is linear. Tomorrow I might go for a run and stay away from dairy (did you hear I’m a part time vegan now?) and wine and feel great. The next day I might go into a tailspin and stare at a blank page for three hours and eat a lot of pepperoni pizza. I’m just doing the best I can. We’re all just doing the best we can. But consider this the promise to myself and to you (if you need to hear it) that while it’s OK if you’ve been feeling unmotivated lately it’s also OK to not know everything that’s happening on the Internet at all times. Leaving it alone might even help you finish, I don’t know, your newsletter???
With that, some things I am liking more than Instagram right now:
Honestly the only really important (material) thing in my life right now is the Girlfriend Collective unitard I bought even after realizing most of my clothes from the pandemic basically look like a Girlfriend unitard. They’re not the same. This thing is truly magical. Fits like a glove. A one stop shop. Backless. Sexy. Can be dressed up or down. Have to get completely naked to pee but you can’t really have it all. Highly recommend.
I also bought a new dishwasher hose because my dishwasher hose has been in its own state of Instagram hell for a year (read: it’s been broken) and my dishes and I deserve better. If something is broken in your house and you’re spending your money on everyone else except you I beg you, do the thing for yourself. You deserve clean dishes (or whatever thing in your house is broken).
A matte purple manicure that changed everything I knew about manicures (pretty sure you can get any color in a matte gel version it’s just a top coat FYI):
This red Ilia lipstick that’s just a nice shade of red and makes me feel a little like Natalie Portman in the inspo photo I used for my new haircut.
Finally, a pair of vintage loafers that I can actually walk in from Malin Landaeus in Williamsburg. Look at this great shot I got of them! Ha.
OK. I love you! Get off your phone! Or don’t. Whatever. I’m going to try.
XOXO,
Jamie AF
I'm reading this from the debthead era and I know that we're not supposed to encourage spending but the way you describe things, you really should be a qvc host. Not hsn bc let's be honest, qvc is the Costco to HSN's Sam's Club.
I love this soooooo much! But definitely not as much as I love YOU!
Y4E#1F
xoxo 💋